Half-life

Clause 4              

Every person, perkin, chappy has the right to arm bears. Everyone needs a gun, even bears. Everybody can pack a shooter. When you go to the bank and are hustled and hassled by the teller, pull out your “piece”.  This will encourage polite and efficient service. (water pistols only) please!

Apples

Grapes; a certain racial harmony, from white to black

Clause 5

              

There will be a National Ombudsman with the power of a panel of high court judges and a budget equivalent to 0.5% of national GDP. The sole duty of this figure will be to protect the rights of individuals. Like an all-powerful Citizens’ Advice Bureau. It will have powers to fine large multinational companies and force abusive companies to indemnify individual citizens when there is an abuse. For example; the telephone sector is basically an oligopoly in which there is tacit collusion. There is price competition but all the companies know that it is in their best interests to make it as difficult as possible to unsubscribe. So that’s what they do.

A brief aside. Recently, I had this problem with one such company, and they had no physical address or fax number. I guess the holding company did, but I didn’t get that far. So, in order to unsubscribe, I rang the company to notify them of my intention to immediately do so. They said, of course, that I should ring such and such an extension number. The number was a high-tariff per second number that just left you on hold with nobody answering. This kind of thing has happened to me a million times before so I just get frustrated and report the company to the Consumer’ Rights Association. But imagine some poor old lady receiving endless bills and phone calls from a faceless monster. Who’s protecting people from this kind of abuse? Nobody.    

Clause 6              

All hairless persons are exempt from tax.

Amendment 1. With the exceptions of budhists, sinead oconor and new age vagrants

Clause 7

People will be dyed different colours according to their respective professions.     All teachers will be dyed pink, obviously. Lorry drivers fuchsia, Politicians and bankers black, taxi drivers puce and civil servants varying shades of grey. 

Clause 8

Tail-gating will be a capital offence

Clause 9: 3 sloths (analyze the cunning, or not so, play on words)

Clause 10

At 12 o’clock every day, everything will stop for 15 minutes. Nobody will speak, people will just relax, put down their phones, turn off the music, the TV, stop walking driving etc, no reading, no eating nothing, zilch.

Amendment 1:  special dispensation might be available for parachutists, heart surgeons and pole-vaulters. 

In  rut so here's the poem:

Valentine:

Not a red rose or a satin heart.


I give you an onion.

It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.

It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.


Here.
 
It will blind you with tears 
like a lover.

It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.


I am trying to be truthful.


Not a cute card or a kissogram.


I give you an onion.

Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.


Take it.

Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.


Lethal.

Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.